My Grandmother

My Mom's mom. From a German family, poor as dirt. My great-grandparents settled in Anahuac Texas (yep, real place, look it up). Population 300.

When my grandma married my grandpa and moved to Po-Dunk (pop. 80,000), she was shunned by the folks in Anahuac - she'd 'gone all Town.'

She pretty much raised me, and all the good things of my heart came from her.

Some Grandma gems:

"Your Great-Grandpa deserted from the Kaiser's Calvary. Well it was either World War One or your Great-Grandma. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, so don't judge."

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Discussing burial plots.
Me: You've been going to The Methodist Church of Po-Dunk, maybe you want a plot there?
Grandma: Oh No, I don't want to be buried there - I want to be down Anahuac.
Me: Why? What's wrong with the Po-Dunk cemetery?
Grandma: Well I don't know all those dead people!

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How to cook Cajun food.
Me: Grandma, can you tell me how to make gumbo?
Grandma: Oh it's easy! You make your roux, then put in your onions and all, and cook it for six hours. Then you add your shrimp and it's done.
Me: What? What do you mean 'make your roux'?
Grandma: You cook down your lard and flour and make your roux. It only takes an hour or two.
Me: WHAT?
Grandma: If you don't know how to make your own roux, I don't know who you are related to.

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On moving to Austin to attend university.
"Now you listen to me!", as she grabs my hand.
A statement that always made me sit up when coming from my Grandma.
"Now I want you to have a good time, but you use those condoms!"
WHAT?
"Well you just make sure those boys keep it bagged!"

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On my moving to Australia in 1991.
Note the year.
"Now you listen to me!"
What - wear clean underwear? "Okay Granny, lay it on me."
"Don't you go getting the AIDS!"
Er, okay Grandma, I'm on it. Good advice.

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Living in Manhattan around 93, Grandma comes to visit.
We are walking through Times Square - and this is back in the day before Disney took it over - a dicey area.

Grandma, linking my arm and pulling me close: "You think folks will think we're the lesbians?"
THE lesbians? Sounds like a lot of pressure.
"Grandma, if people think we're lesbians I'm sure they're gonna think you are one lucky old broad."
"You don't know, I have a good bosom."

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Living in Southern California around 97, Grandma comes to visit.
We go to Shutters, a hotel in Santa Monica, for its fantastic brunch which includes free and generous Mimosas.

As we leave, Grandma slips on the highly-polished marble floor and completely wipes out. A bloody nose, swollen eyes and a twisted ankle. Of course the whole hotel staff is hovering in fear of law suit.

Us: Jesus Grandma, are you okay?
Staff: Mrs. Muller, what can we do for you?
Grandma: Oh I'm fine - bring me another Mimosa! That'll help!
Me: Grans, that won't help.
Grandma: Oh well give it a minute and maybe I'll look beat up enough for ALL of us to get Mimosas!

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And my favorite story, one ya'll have heard before but I really must include:

After graduating from UT-Austin I moved to Dallas and one weekend she and I went antique shopping. There's a long stretch down I-35 between Dallas and Austin with lots of old warehouses selling antiques. The flat prairie of Texas' I-35 offers a whole lot of nothing to look at.

We passed several billboards advertising a retirement community in
Austin which if you are from Austin, you know it. Don't recall completely, but the boards read something like "Be Your True Self at Happy Living".

By the fourth billboard, Grandma asks, "What's this 'Happy Living'
place?"
Me, wincing a bit: "Well, it's a retirement community, I think folks over 60, who, um...are nudists. It's a nudist colony for old folks."
....
"Well that's just disgusting."
"Well I don't know, Grandma, some people think being nude is natural, and, uh..."
"Oh no," she says, "I don't mind naked people, it's naked OLD people. Who wants to look at naked old people all day?"

...........

I have so many great stories about my grandmother, all in my own head, because Alzheimer's took them from her.

So lucky to have had her in my life.