Have Some Texas

For no reason whatsoever I am proud I am a Native Texan. Not a lot of people go around saying, I'm proud to be a Native New Yorker/Utahite/pick-your-state*.

And why don't they say that, You ask?

Because none of the other 49 are Texas, that's why.

Back in the mists of time, when I was thinking about having a kid (and I did give it serious consideration for like forty minutes at least), the one thing I knew for sure was I would fly back home to deliver so the poor bastard** would start life on the high note of being a Texan.

No one said I was rational.

A tune from the homegrown ZZTop, about a friendly little place in Central Texas. Yes, it was a real clapboard farm house with a vegetable garden.  I passed it every time I drove between Po-Dunk and Austin during my college years:

* Except maybe those back-assed folks from Oklahoma - 

  "Imma Okie!"  Seriously? Who would BRAG about that?  

** Both descriptors would have been accurate, let's be honest.

Dear Santa

"ELLE!",  my fans say to me.  "Elle, you are so fabulous it is almost impossible to shop for you - can you give us some hints for holiday shopping?"

First, it does no good to shout 'Elle' at me, primarily because it is not my real name.

Second, it is true that my fabulosity knows neither time nor space (even when fully clothed!) so it is understandable it may be difficult to find a proper gift for me.

Therefore, a few things I would not mind finding in my stocking, infra (see what I did there with the legal term?  I TOLD ya'll this would be a blawg!).

Bacon Band-Aids

Suitcases that look like Penguins.  Why are some of the coolest things only for kids?

Squid Overlord T-Shirt.  If Oliver Sacks is into it, I am too.

Last but not least, nothing would please me more than to find, under my Christmas tree, the most bangable guy ever*:

All kidding aside, I don't care for Christmas - mainly the forced Happy, the consumerism, the requisite gift-giving because the calendar says so.  I actually love giving gifts but it's out of coming across something you know will please a friend, not obligation. 

So I don't do Christmas gifts - don't wanna give, don't wanna receive.  I have everything I need and more than I could possibly want.  I send cards (I quite like cards) and only give holiday gifts in situations where I am absolutely required to do so (Hi Mom and Dad!).

Hope everyone is having good holidays, make the most of the season!

*Will settle for either Liam Neeson or George Clooney.  I'm flexible.

My Friends Are Funny

Recent text conversation:

Me:  Speaking of bummers, I did the whole Match.com thing about three weeks ago and I haven't gotten a single email.  I knew I shouldn't have posted a picture of my face.

Friend:  Unless you've reached 100% depression saturation, I would avoid online dating.

Me:  Rly?  Just last week you opined that any chick who complains she cannot get laid is not trying pretty much at all.

Friend:  You're diff

Me:  Like, cool diff or pitiful diff?

Friend:  No online for you

Me:  Hear that's where the penises are

Friend:  And if you are very lucky, one will be attached.  To a mute.  Who owns a liquor store.