A Few Things I Disapprove Of

1.  Spiders.  Within their ecosystem, spiders play a vital role which blah blah blah.  Whatever.  They're creepy.  I don't dislike spiders per se, I dislike how their legs move independently from each other.  At least centipede legs move in sync.  It is well-established that humans are wary of creatures that do not resemble them.  The less the resemblance, the more suspicion.  Insects have too many legs, snakes none.  Crabs are up to something, echidnas are not to be trusted.  And let's not forget, in a league of its own, the curious beast that is the geoduck:

That's his foot.  If his feet are that big, I shudder to think....

2.  Cruise ships.  They're floating, overblown resorts of sickening outrageous indulgence.  I'd think the idea of an ocean liner would be about, oh I don't know, enjoying the sea.  So why do they have bowling alleys, rock climbing walls and cabaret singers?  Also they are out in THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN.  No land in sight.  Water as far as the eye can see (and that's just the TOP of the water).  What if it falls over?  And the FOOD!  Large fat white people binging on huge spreads of the finest money can buy.  Cruise ships are everything that is wrong with America.  Which leads me to....

3.  The Cheesecake Factory.  What ocean liners are to sailing, The Cheesecake Factory chain is to the local diner.  Have you seen the menu?  A novella of mashed-up caloric craziness.  They offer a Pad Thai pizza.  WHAT?  NO.  Pizza OR Pad Thai, for godssakes.   Also - the servings can feed a small village in Guatamala for a week.  It's disgusting.  And the DESIGN of the restaurants themselves - the last one I was in had an Eygptian theme.  Why?  If they all burned down tomorrow, the world would be a better place.

4.  The Kardashians.

5.  When people buy purebred dogs.  Besides the wrongness that is puppy mills, there are so many deserving pups at animal shelters that need a home, I think it is ridiculous and somehow self-indulgent for folks to spend scads of dosh on a dog because it has 'papers'.  Seriously?

6.  When people write lists that no one but the author's mother cares about - "The 2011 Top Ten Alternative Band Venues in Seattle"   WHO CARES?

Oh wait.

Peru, in limine

The upcoming trip to Peru comes with strings.

While there, I've been told I'm not allowed to leave the hotel without a bodyguard.

A BODYGUARD?  What the FUCK?

Now, I have to say.

I've been all over the world, on my own.  Lived in four countries, visited over 20 on seven continents and can roughly (very roughly) speak three languages (five if I'm bragging).

I don't mean to boast, my point is  - I kinda know what I'm doing when I travel.

If I can make it through Tangiers I think I'm good.

However, apparently ROWD has been threatened with kidnapping - he and anyone he travels with.

The white-haired, blue-eyed Texan who owns the local mine and probably makes no effort with the locals.

I'm shocked, shocked to hear this.

Should be interesting - behaving myself is not my strong suit.

Food Shoots

I worked on a lot of food accounts over my time in advertising - picante sauce, breads, burger chains, soups, chips, fried chicken chains, ready-made meals - and I found food shooting to be the most difficult.  People and animals take direction; cars just sit there, and exterior location shoots are a matter of waiting for the light.

But food is a bitch.  It is very difficult to control; there's a window of time when it can be shot then it "dies" under the heat of the lighting.  You also can't (or shouldn't) manipulate it to such an extent that you misrepresent the product.  And the waste!  Just as with models, you go through hundreds of bags of bread looking for the the perfect slices - the properly shaped crown, no big holes, the even distribution of the grains.

Pounds and pounds of chicken are prepared for shooting, not eating.  Cooked for the perfect color of crust; raw chicken inside. 

Countless cans of soup opened, the food stylist picking through with tweezers looking for the perfect mushroom slice, the prettiest piece of carrot.

Then everything is tossed in the dumpster.*

A few quotes from food shoots:

"The broccoli needs encouragement."

Regarding a close up of a spoonful of chicken noodle soup, to the stylist:  "Can you PLEASE make that noodle look LESS like a WORM?  AND WHY DO I HAVE TO EVEN ASK THIS?"

Shooting raw strawberries and bananas for a retail juice label:
Client, regarding the hundredth banana we tried:  "That one won't work either.  It looks like a penis."
Photographer, frustrated (to me):  "It's a BANANA.  It's longer than it is wide!  If she wants a banana that doesn't look like a dick maybe we should just use an apple and CALL it a fucking banana."

Client:  "I was really expecting better than this."
Photographer:  "Well it IS a meatloaf we're shooting here."

"Listen, this is not just a cup of nuts.  These are American Airlines First Class warmed nuts.  WARMED nuts.  I need to feel WARM nuts otherwise what's the point?"  

Nationally Know Corn Chip client:  "Obviously shape, form and pointy-ness is critical - I just don't want the cheese dust to be secondary."

Pizza shoot, to the talent: "It's called a bite-and-smile shoot FOR A REASON.  You bite, you SMILE.  I give a shit what it tastes like.  And don't fucking SWALLOW, you're going to be doing this for eight more hours."

Shooting deep-fried fish, deep-fried hush puppies, and french fries on a plate for National Fast Food Fish Chain.  From the client:  "But everything is the same color!"

Explaining to a client why we use a portable fabric steamer to mimic steam off a dinner plate.  Client wanted the food itself to be steaming:
"To get the amount of steam we need to read [on film], this is better because heating the food can't really be controlled steam-wise, and it would probably burn the hand model's hands."
"Aren't we paying her?  Isn't that what she does?"

 "Think it's easy?  You try putting a perfectly fried egg on a piece of Saran Wrap."

"Tell the hand model to spoon the sauce like she MEANS it."

"This isn't working - the beans are taking over.  We need to dial back the beans."


I got paid for this.



*Some clients and photographers do go to great lengths to see that edible product left over from shoots goes to local Food Banks.

The Secret to Happiness

As I type this, sitting at my dining room table looking West, the clouds are rushing north over the Olympic Peninsula.  Grey trotting dogs, dark leaping cats, pink and blue glowing behind them.  The Brothers and Hurricane Ridge shown when dark horse head clouds choose to reveal them.

My wide front windows change at each moment, the two-hundred-year-old Hemlocks and Douglas' across the street indifferent; my little eighty-year-old house unnoticed, unimportant.

My fat tabby, pawing at the keyboard.  Twelve years old.  Happy for now but if I don't wait on him soon he'll bite my hair.

The clouds are thickening and now there's little to be seen - at least, what you may expect to see.

I hate to reveal the secret to happiness, because really - if you don't learn it yourself it has little worth.

But here is a hint:  It is not having what you want.

A Chosen Family

I had a very nice dinner last night, the host a friend I have not seen in several years.  One house, four jobs and two kids ago to be exact.  He and his lovely wife are building their chosen family.

We know each other from my last ad job before law school.  Our creative director was easily the worst CD I have ever worked for.  And as I roughly count now, that's a grand total of about 20 CDs.

Although I should be, I am not ashamed to say I hated that man with the heat of a thousand suns.

He took all credit and no blame.  Only worked on the choice assignments, all the dreck to the rest of the team.  Micro-managed.  Did not understand the difference between art direction and design.  Every piece of golden creative he touched turned to lead.  His monumental lack of talent, arrogance, and appalling treatment of others drained any final love I had for my chosen profession.

We discussed him briefly last night at dinner, mainly to reaffirm that Yes, he was indeed a toad.

A poisonous, poisonous toad.

However.  Had it not been for that soul-sucking job, I would not have many of the wonderful friends I have today - namely Burns, Autumn, Jeannine (Everyone's Favorite Lesbian), Tim, Mister Rick... and in turn the friends I have made through those good folks, like Heather.

So I am grateful for that job, because it helped me build my chosen family too.

Land-Raping the Peruvian Andes for Fun and Profit

I know this Rich Old White Dude (ROWD) who owns controlling interest in a lime mine in Peru.

Lime is an essential mineral needed to efficiently mine gold.

As you learned in 7th grade World Geography, Peru has a lot of gold.  A lot.  So a lime mine is, as the saying goes, a gold mine.

In the spirit of full disclosure, I am in fact related to ROWD, but his wealth is not mine (he enjoys reminding me of this).  I struggle to make my mortgage and heating oil is so expensive these days I spend most of my time at home in four layers of clothing.

I had a conversation with him recently about the mine.

It is difficult to do business in Peru.  Corruption, for one thing.  Also these PEOPLE have all kinds of HOLIDAYS when they just don't WORK.  And efficiency is just unheard of - like, how hard is it to get back hoes and generators the size of a small house to a village in the Andes?  Apparently quite hard.  Assuming they do not then get stolen.  Not that all these people are poor or anything.

And of course there are the constant strikes and actions against the companies doing the mining.  These companies pay the locals pennies for the little land they have, land they use to scrape out existence through farming.  Then the companies literally scrape the land for lime and gold, using precious water for the sluices, water that becomes so adulterated it cannot be used for farming let alone drinking.

And the SOCIALIST GOVERNMENT, which lately has been insisting these companies more fairly compensate the locals.  Hey, the locals signed CONTRACTS!  They got paid, what's their PROBLEM?

Yes, ROWD, the central issue is basic contract law.

In ROWD's defense, he was already cranky during this conversation.  The discussion took place over his car phone in his 2012 Camaro convertible as he drove home from his vacation property.  He was peeved because he was driving home.  Why would this annoy him?

Because the weather was too poor for him to fly home in his private plane.

Listen, it's hard to be a rich white man in America.

I'm going to Peru in March.  I hope I can keep my mouth shut.

But I will tell you all about it when I get back.

Viva la revolucion.*




*Yeah okay that's a Mexican expression but whatever.

Match.com, part 2

At first I was like, Meh.

But then I was like, WTF/this is getting funny.

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