Texas, Our Texas

First off, I want to be careful here because the only person I want to truly mock on this blog is me. But I just returned from a weekend at home in Po-Dunk for my brother's wedding and there were some pretty funny moments with my Texan brethren.
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Apparently silverware has its own nickname in Texas: "snackin' irons".

I heard the words, "ain't", "yonder" and "vittles" often enough to last a lifetime. Also just so you know, if it is farther than yonder, it's "way down yonder".

Related to, but different from, the plural of "ya'll", which is "all ya'll".
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My Mom is almost completely deaf - she only has about 20% of her hearing in one ear. These leads to her often misunderstanding what is said to her.

Dad to Mom: Did I tell you the story of Howard meeting his wife?
Mom: What?? When did that happen? That's awful - was that before or after they got married?
Dad: ?
Mom: Oh, I thought you said 'beating'.

Me to Mom: Mom, do you want a glass of wine?
Mom: No, I have some in my purse.
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My Dad always drops one really excellent gem, and I often time it to see how long I am home before he does.
Picking me up at the airport, Dad jumps out of the car and hugs me. "Wow, you look great! You're not fat again!" Timing: two minutes.
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I saw my Uncle Bobby and Aunt Reba Lee (yes). We have the same exchange every time I see them.

Aunt Reba: So what have you been doing?
Me: Well I'm an attorney now, working on environmental policy issues in DC. I get sound science in front of congressmen so they can make informed decisions on the application of statutes, like the Endangered Species Act, for example.
Aunt Reba: So no man? Well honey you're not getting any younger.

Here's what I fantasize about:
Aunt Reba: So what have you been doing?
Me: Well my novel is on the New York Times best seller list, I discovered the cure for cancer, and I single-handedly end the drug wars in Mexico.
Aunt Reba: So no man? Well honey you're not getting any younger.