Famous Celebrities Are Just Like Us Except for Everything

So I've met maybe seven? arguably famous people.  But those are not interesting stories.*

Here are the two stories about the celebrities I encountered but did not actually meet:

When I lived in LA I (literally) bumped into a very hot famous dude who I cannot name as that would be indiscreet (Kiefer Sutherland).  It was a crowded pub and when I turned to apologize for the bump and ruining his pool shot, I recognized him - but in the, "Hey!  How ya been?" way I have when I know someone but cannot remember their name (anyone who knows me, knows I have the memory of a gnat).

Anyway, I was doing the semi-non-verbal Erm, right?, we know each other help me with your name?, along with, "Hey I haven't seen you since that, uh shoot...over at, uh?"

While he was doing that, Are you fucking serious with your lame ass? + Eye Roll.

Then at the exact same time I realized WHO he was, he realized I hadn't recognized HIM, and it was shame-faced-ness all around.  GAH.  We both mumbled something (or at least I did, as I slinked away).

And such a cutie is the Kiefer....

..................


The other was, Not-BF and I were walking down Santa Monica Boulevard and we saw a smallish guy slouched at an outdoor table.  He was noticeable (for one thing) because he was quite overdressed for the summer weather.  Long black coat, black boots, black beret (this was Back in the Day before such was Cool).

My Not-BF says, "Hey, is that one of the camera guys we had on that last shoot?  Let's go say Hi!"

And then we realized it was AL PACINO.

We did not go say Hi.

We did, however, circle the block one more time.







*Not interesting because I was polite, respectful, and did not act the fool.

Collective Nouns

I'm a fan.  One of the more charming aspects of the English language - a pod of whales, a pride of lions, a murder of crows.

So let's make some up.  Here's a few I'd like to see:*

A crank of retirees

A gulp of swallows

A mood of teenagers

A judgment of Republicans

A slouch of supermodels

A klieg of actors

A guilt of mothers

A 12(b)(6) of attorneys  

An angst of art directors

A whine of toddlers

A block of writers

A regret of old lovers

An indecision of designers

An ego of directors

A laissez faire of Libertarians


Add your own in the comments.



*I might have read some of these somewhere.  I'm forgetful.

A Coupla Advertising Memories*

I knew an art director in New York who worked at an agency in the Chrysler Building.  Early one morning she called in a bomb threat so she go to the Barney's Warehouse Sale.

I was working freelance for an agency that was in a new business pitch.  Most of the creative department was working fairly long hours, and one evening, maybe around 8, one of the (female) creatives came out of her office with a male coworker.  She walked across the common area and threw away their used condom.

We had a receptionist at one agency who was a bit dotty.  She was ancient, dressed inappropriately, had brittle over-bleached hair and wore a mask of makeup.  The reception area was the only place with any common seating so we'd congregate there on occasion.  One day she came out from behind her desk, hiked up her miniskirt and proceeded to adjust her stockings and garter belts.

Same area, some of us talking about local restaurants and eating out.  One of our admin chicks, a girl named Melinda walked up and interjected into the conversation: "Eat eat eat!  Doesn't anyone FUCK anymore?"

Same agency, the Creative Department hosted the Halloween party every year.  It was always a blow out and spouse/SOs were not invited.  This particular year one writer and a woman from the graphics department were having sex in his office.  As luck would have it the writer's wife showed up about the time they finished up their playdate.  Did I mention everyone is drunk at this point?  Anyway, Wife tries to open Writer's locked office door; other coworkers are trying to distract her; Writer opens the door looking as one does when one has just had sex and... Wife is outraged, goes into the office and proceeds the pull Writer's five-foot ficus plant out of its pot and starts to swing it at everything and anyone in her way.  I felt bad for the ficus.

Same party.  Two guys dressed up as the Blues Brothers, complete with little baggies of 'cocaine' (I think it was actually coffee creamer).  At the end of the night they threw the baggies away in one writer's office.  The next morning, we noticed that the cleaning crew had thoughtfully taken the baggies out of the trash and placed them on the writer's desk.

One of my first CDs was a great guy but very volatile - could get crazy angry at the drop of a hat.  One day I was sitting in my office and I saw his jambox go flying by my door.  Right behind it was CD, chasing it and beating it with a baseball bat.  He couldn't get it to work and come to find out it hadn't been fully plugged in.


*Several people have complimented me on this post (Elle, you should totally get PUBLISHED!)  But in the spirit of full disclosure, every story mentioned here is true.  The only thing I elaborated on was the jambox/baseball bat story.  It might have been a golf club.

Food Shoots

I worked on a lot of food accounts over my time in advertising - picante sauce, breads, burger chains, soups, chips, fried chicken chains, ready-made meals - and I found food shooting to be the most difficult.  People and animals take direction; cars just sit there, and exterior location shoots are a matter of waiting for the light.

But food is a bitch.  It is very difficult to control; there's a window of time when it can be shot then it "dies" under the heat of the lighting.  You also can't (or shouldn't) manipulate it to such an extent that you misrepresent the product.  And the waste!  Just as with models, you go through hundreds of bags of bread looking for the the perfect slices - the properly shaped crown, no big holes, the even distribution of the grains.

Pounds and pounds of chicken are prepared for shooting, not eating.  Cooked for the perfect color of crust; raw chicken inside. 

Countless cans of soup opened, the food stylist picking through with tweezers looking for the perfect mushroom slice, the prettiest piece of carrot.

Then everything is tossed in the dumpster.*

A few quotes from food shoots:

"The broccoli needs encouragement."

Regarding a close up of a spoonful of chicken noodle soup, to the stylist:  "Can you PLEASE make that noodle look LESS like a WORM?  AND WHY DO I HAVE TO EVEN ASK THIS?"

Shooting raw strawberries and bananas for a retail juice label:
Client, regarding the hundredth banana we tried:  "That one won't work either.  It looks like a penis."
Photographer, frustrated (to me):  "It's a BANANA.  It's longer than it is wide!  If she wants a banana that doesn't look like a dick maybe we should just use an apple and CALL it a fucking banana."

Client:  "I was really expecting better than this."
Photographer:  "Well it IS a meatloaf we're shooting here."

"Listen, this is not just a cup of nuts.  These are American Airlines First Class warmed nuts.  WARMED nuts.  I need to feel WARM nuts otherwise what's the point?"  

Nationally Know Corn Chip client:  "Obviously shape, form and pointy-ness is critical - I just don't want the cheese dust to be secondary."

Pizza shoot, to the talent: "It's called a bite-and-smile shoot FOR A REASON.  You bite, you SMILE.  I give a shit what it tastes like.  And don't fucking SWALLOW, you're going to be doing this for eight more hours."

Shooting deep-fried fish, deep-fried hush puppies, and french fries on a plate for National Fast Food Fish Chain.  From the client:  "But everything is the same color!"

Explaining to a client why we use a portable fabric steamer to mimic steam off a dinner plate.  Client wanted the food itself to be steaming:
"To get the amount of steam we need to read [on film], this is better because heating the food can't really be controlled steam-wise, and it would probably burn the hand model's hands."
"Aren't we paying her?  Isn't that what she does?"

 "Think it's easy?  You try putting a perfectly fried egg on a piece of Saran Wrap."

"Tell the hand model to spoon the sauce like she MEANS it."

"This isn't working - the beans are taking over.  We need to dial back the beans."


I got paid for this.



*Some clients and photographers do go to great lengths to see that edible product left over from shoots goes to local Food Banks.

A Chosen Family

I had a very nice dinner last night, the host a friend I have not seen in several years.  One house, four jobs and two kids ago to be exact.  He and his lovely wife are building their chosen family.

We know each other from my last ad job before law school.  Our creative director was easily the worst CD I have ever worked for.  And as I roughly count now, that's a grand total of about 20 CDs.

Although I should be, I am not ashamed to say I hated that man with the heat of a thousand suns.

He took all credit and no blame.  Only worked on the choice assignments, all the dreck to the rest of the team.  Micro-managed.  Did not understand the difference between art direction and design.  Every piece of golden creative he touched turned to lead.  His monumental lack of talent, arrogance, and appalling treatment of others drained any final love I had for my chosen profession.

We discussed him briefly last night at dinner, mainly to reaffirm that Yes, he was indeed a toad.

A poisonous, poisonous toad.

However.  Had it not been for that soul-sucking job, I would not have many of the wonderful friends I have today - namely Burns, Autumn, Jeannine (Everyone's Favorite Lesbian), Tim, Mister Rick... and in turn the friends I have made through those good folks, like Heather.

So I am grateful for that job, because it helped me build my chosen family too.

Joys of a Creative

Back in my advertising life, I'd go back and forth between:

1.  You produce a string of good work - not brilliant, but presentable - then maybe you actually get something strong and conceptual produced.

Right about then - The Hack Police come.

They bust into your office and announce, "Elle, we are sorry to inform you, you're a Hack.  Come with us please."

"But - wait!  That last spot for Mazda wasn't that bad!"

"Ma'am, we've been watching your work for some time.  We're sorry for your loss."

And your career is over.



2.  You're on a roll.  You're winning every creative shoot out you're assigned to, you are flying to cool places to work with awesome directors.

You go to the award show in New York to pick up the statue, people slip you their cards.  Maybe you'll get to go to Cannes.

You are heady with success, you drink too much champagne and then - you wake up around 4am, and your mind says, "Hope you enjoyed that awesome night - because you are NEVER HAVING ANOTHER DECENT IDEA EVER AGAIN, EVER."

And your career is over.

Some Law, Some Advertising

In the short history of this ground-breaking blog, I've avoided my professional interests in environmental and civil rights law issues. That should probably be a different blog, where I use my real name and actually take responsibility for my words.

Not like here.

That said, recent developments in California's fight regarding Proposition 8 (initiative barring gay marriage) bring to light one thing on which I'd like to comment.

I'm not going to go into the facetiousness of the argument itself (claim that the judge who overturned California's ban on same-sex marriage had an obligation to recuse due to his alleged conflict of interest - said judge is gay).

But you do have to wonder how many BILLABLE HOURS went into that action - formulating the argument, researching, writing, filing, obligating the opponent to respond and do the same; sucking up valuable court time. Did no one over at Righteous Nuts Against Civil Liberties the Protect Marriage Coalition stop and say, Gee guys, is this action really a good idea?

Bringing us to the Groupon Super Bowl ad.

Even if you are a civilian (i.e., not in the advertising industry) you have an idea of the expense, exposure, pressure and stakes of running an ad on the Super Bowl. It can establish a brand where there was hardly one before, while fully and fundamentally changing the landscape of broadcast advertising.

So no mistakes, Please. Edgy yes - Idiocy, No.

Digression: I tend to only pay attention to the more novel brands that advertise on the Super Bowl. Although women are over 50% of the population and make 80% of the buying decisions, according to the majority of advertisers we don't have much sense when it comes to purchasing automobiles, beer, liquor, snack foods, electronics or dinners at mainstream chain restaurants. Apparently my breasts (magnificent though they are) interfere with my disposable income decision-making processes.

End of digression.

The Groupon ad's pay off was along the lines of, Hey, sucks to be an oppressed society - but those Tibetans still make one mean bowl o' Pho! Or something like that.

My first flummoxed response was, Did I miss a crucial verb, or phrase, that totally redeemed that Steaming Pile of Steaminess?

Then I thought - Wow, how the hell did that get produced. From the fool creative team that took it to the ACD (who approved it), to the CD (Id.), through internal review (Id.), then to the client.

No one at the client noticed how awful the creative concept was. Nor the directors who sold their souls to pitch it, the one who 'won' it (I landed a Super Bowl ad!). I guess because of the Malibu mortgage and three alimony obligations?

Weeks of pre-production, casting, courting Famous Actor (Famous Actor, who read the script as well as his agent, manager, assistant, wife, mistress, other mistress, and two cats. All approved - "Let's DO THIS!"). Further weeks of principal photography, post-production, and daily painful approvals throughout.

And within minutes of its airing - on the sporting event that delivers the largest broadcast audience each year, every year - customers walked away, the general public was somewhere in the spectrum between dismayed and outraged....

And of course client and agency are both, Wait, What? Folks are offended? Why goodness gracious, that possibility never crossed our minds! And even if folks were offended, it was a joke! And if it was a joke, we do actually support the causes of those we belittle in order to further our brand! And, uh, yeah.

So many emperors, so few clothes.

Some Advertising Types, v2

I worked on a big client in Texas, I'd call it "American Airlines" but that would be indiscreet. Let's call it "Big Generic Airlines".

The account service person comes into my office with a new assignment. Account service people are often referred to as "suits". Or more derisively, "coat hangers".

Suit: Awesome assignment! BG Airlines was just awarded the contract to transport the Mona Lisa from the Louvre to the Met in New York! First time the Mona Lisa has ever come to the States! So BG wants to promote it, should be a great opportunity for some good creative!

I agree, yay!

So copywriter and I concept several print ads. And yes, 'concept' is considered a verb in advertising....

We came up with some good ads, the majority with the Mona Lisa as the visual because, well that's the pay off.

Creative Director is pleased, account service is pleased, so off to present to the client.

You'd initially think, Wow, working on BG Airlines must have been amazing! The budgets, the exposure! Not that easy. Clients of that size have lots of layers of marketing people who can all kill your work, but none can really approve it - just enough to get to the next layer. These entry- and mid-level folks are called such things as "flying monkeys", "proctologists", and in some cases, "idiots".

We get to the client level that can actually make the decision. We present.

Client: - silence -.
Client: All of the visuals are of the Mona Lisa.
Me: Yes well that's the pay off of the opportunity - BG has been entrusted with bringing her here to the States, it pays off all the headlines. And you know, it's da Vinci's Mona Lisa.
Client: Well YOU know that, because you're....artsy. I mean, YOU know what the Mona Lisa is, but does anyone else?

I still, to this day, have no idea what the best response to that would have been. How many things are wrong about the above statement? Isn't the Mona Lisa the POINT? THE MOST FAMOUS PIECE OF ART IN THE WESTERN WORLD?

Client: Just make the visual one of our planes, then it'll work for me.

GAH.

Cattle Call

Or, Why I See Myself the Way I Do.

Let's say you are casting a television commercial for, let's call it, Major Japanese Car Producer (MJCP). You need three women: blonde, brunette, redhead. One man. All beautiful, that goes without saying.

The casting agent does the first cull, but they don't want to leave out The One, so they still bring you about 300 heads.

Yes they're called 'heads', because I guess they aren't actually, you know, 'people'.

You're presented with six binders, 50 heads each.

Page after page of stunning women, each more beautiful than the other. And its not just head shots - aspiring actresses have shots of themselves in various poses and wardrobe to illustrate, "Look, I'm beautiful no matter the situation or clothing! I can be sophisticated, housewifey, girl next door, club slut! Put me in a burlap sack and I will still be so stunning I can sell your product!"

And they are right.

Let's start with the brunettes. What shall be our first eliminating factor? Eye color. Easy. Green and blue shoot better than brown. Sorry, those belonging to 90% of the world's population, you're out! All brown-eyed brunette heads are pulled from the binders and hit the floor. No really, they end up on the floor. Some assistant gathers up the rejects and drops them in a box. Labeled 'Rejects'.

Well that helped narrow things quite a bit.

Is there any other semi-legitimate criterion we can use? Sure - we do have a brand we are working under, so - who is too cute, too young, too old? This is really the most involved part, you have to look at each actress in terms of the profile of MJCP's target audience - Male, 30-50, income level, the cars we will be shooting and what the market is for those particular models, and of course the concepts of the spots.

More hit the floor.

Of course everyone has an opinion. When I say everyone, I mean Me, the art director (final say); the producer ("How much will she cost? Is she scale?") the director ("I can't shoot her, she doesn't Speak to me, you know?") the casting agent ("Oh you'll love her!", regarding pretty much everyone).

And as an aside - I'm not going to get into dealing with my boss the CD, and the client approval process, a post for another day...

So now it is around six, everyone is getting a little punchy and secretly anxious to make it to a happy hour, somewhere, anywhere.

The final eliminations, judgment on the most gorgeous women you have ever laid eyes on, go something like this:

"Her cheekbones are too high."
"I don't like her ears. I can see them."
"Is that a gray hair?"
"Her nose freaks me out a little."
"She reminds me of my mother."

Seven-thirty. Women who, under any other circumstance would inspire unapologetic awe, are reduced to Freaks of Nature.

"That's not a beauty mark - it's some alien thing taking over her cheek."
"Did she put her lips in a vacuum cleaner hose?"
"Yeah but look at her NECK - I didn't see a GIRAFFE in the storyboard."
"She has iguana eyes - seriously, tell me I'm wrong!" (true quote, I kid you not).

The selects for callback are made, the producer drops you at the hotel, and you lurch to your room.

At the bathroom sink, you try to scrub the shallowness and hypocrisy off.

Then you look in the mirror.
The unforgiving, indifferent mirror that shows your own face VERY, VERY CLEARLY.

Tomorrow, the blondes.

Some Advertising Types, v1.

An Agency, Let's Call it KXS.

Way back in the Day when I was a senior at UT, I was up for a fairly prestigious position at KXS-New York. They took on one junior a year in this program - good salary, moving expenses (you may remember those), would even find you an apartment. Even better, you would spend a few months in each creative group so you'd gain much more experience and make far more contacts....It was a very advantageous way to start your creative career.

Usually they only flew in the final two candidates, but that year there were three - another UT creative, a random dude, and me.

It was a very exciting time. Being poor, I borrowed a suit. Being from Texas, I bought makeup.

Aside: one Rule for any Texas Girl is, you do not even go to the car wash without 'doing your face'. Making me an anomaly as that was probably the first and only week I wore makeup every day. I'm not the prettiest girl - although I do like to think I'm on the positive side of that bell curve - but I know I'm no looker. A face full of makeup always makes me feel like, Oh, look at that plain girl trying to be pretty.... I also took great care with my hair, I considered my long reddish locks a plus so I tried to make the best of what I had.

For three days, I presented my book to pretty much everyone I would be working with - including the suits and the production people. And I was entertained at night - in the Big Apple. It was quite an experience.

At the end of the week, all three of us were put in a conference room to be told who was to be hired. You know, to make it as uncomfortable as humanly possible for the other two. Because if you are going to make a career in advertising as a creative, might as well start the humiliation straight away!

So there we were, Random Guy who seemed a lot more cocky about it all than I thought appropriate; my sweet friend from UT (bless his heart, he really was a sweet boy), and me.

HR Person says, "Well you have all been a real treat to all of us, and we've enjoyed meeting you ..... But we are going to go with Random Guy. Random, you see, was up for this position last year and we had to go with the other candidate (client connection) so this year we can go with the guy we really wanted last year."

Now....I still wonder why they bothered courting two other young graduates who thought they actually had a chance? So, so wrong.

In a daze I found my way out of the meeting room towards the stunning lobby, a lobby I would never walk through again....and one of the writers caught up to me.

She rocked the Creative Look - wearing all black, very unflattering glasses, oddly-cut hair dyed to a color not found in nature. She had been quite nice and encouraging, I liked her.

Writer: Listen, I just wanted you to know we all really liked your book....and everyone SEVERELY LOVES YOUR HAIR.