When Boredom Strikes

I've been sick the past coupla days.

I was sitting around Tuesday evening, minding my own business, when my body announced,

ATTENTION GUESTS OF THE GASTROINTESTINAL SYSTEM:  PLEASE VACATE IMMEDIATELY.  MOVE TO THE NEAREST EXIT.  NOTE THAT YOUR NEAREST EXIT MAY BE BEHIND YOU.

I've been hanging out in bed all this time.  Bit of a challenge, since flat on my back invites use of the lower exit, sitting upright invites the upper.

I was staring at the wall and started wondering, if there was one animal who could talk, which should it be?

First I thought Elephants!  Then but, what could they tell us, really, when they talk to each other?

"Hot today."
"Yep."
"Pretty hot yesterday too."
"Well Africa and all."
"Remember when Frank died?"
"Which, Little Frank, Frankie E or Bull Elephant Frank?"
"Bull Elephant Frank."
"Like it was yesterday.  Man, after Bull Elephant Frank died back in '92, shit got real."
"This is what I'm saying."

Then I thought, Dolphins!  Dolphins rock.  They are very intelligent, they could probably solve the Middle East problem and end the drug wars in Mexico.  The UN could go home!  World peace!  Statues to Douglas Adams!

They could tell us all about the ocean and all the other critters.  "Sharks actually don't like eating People Meat. Too fatty."  "Sure otters are cute but man can they be petty!"  "Orcas are pussies!"

So if not dolphins maybe domestics, either dogs or cats.

Dogs would be cool because of all the shapes and sizes and breeds from all over the world.  And they'd talk with a little charming accent depending on where they are from.

Except for bichon frises and poodles.  For one thing I hate bichons, little whiny useless fuckers.  And poodles are apparently really smart and you know they'd be obnoxious about it, in their french accents.

But with dogs the conversations would boil down to, "DO YOU LIKE ME I LIKE YOU WILL YOU LIKE ME ARE YOU THE ALPHA DOG DO YOU WANT TO BE THE ALPHA DOG IS THAT A SNACK CAN I HAVE A SNACK TOO?"

I'd be great if cats could talk, but you KNOW they'd be all,  "Did I, or did I not say, FRESH salmon?  Is this not CANNED salmon?  I AM speaking ENGLISH, correct?"  "Leave me, Human, I'm trying to nap here."  "Listen, I'm not having this conversation with you."