Keeping Your Hand on the Tiller

I don't know about you, but there are occasions when I could most happily kick a prick in the bits.  Oh if only that was socially acceptable.  But then if it was it probably would not be as satisfying....

I take that back.  It would be as satisfying.

I send a swift kick out to people who are devoid of empathy (not the same as sympathy, look it up).  People who dangle love and affection, but only as it suits them:  Offer limited and qualified with conditions: "Was I the cause of THAT much pain?  I hate that you told me that because THAT hurts ME.  (!!! - Ed.)  Oh, well, geez all I can truly say is - that must suck for you."

Others who are, in fact, chock full o bullshit.  Such bullshit can be:  Casual, professional, hypocritical and most importantly emotional.

God knows I have my faults and weaknesses.  But to my credit I recognize them, try to control them, speak up when they get the better of me - as in, I try not to inflict them on others.  I have scars that will always be tender; and more than my fair share of old baggage on my back.  You know that scene in Titanic when Rose is boarding with literally a truck-load of luggage (Lord that movie was an overblown waste of film)?  Okay not that much baggage.  And what with DROPPING a massive chunk o diamonds into the drink like 60 years after the fact?  Who WROTE that sappy-assed screenplay?

Meanwhile.

My point is this:  All the crappy work crap, and co-worker crappiness you are dealing with today?  That's work, don't allow it stain your life.  The old friend you thought you could always count on, but now can't?  That's just right now; sort it out and take responsibility.  And be good and generous to the new friends.  That's how old friends begin to happen.

And the worst, the lover who broke your heart?  Honey, he just....  He just did.  There are no answers and nothing to be done about it. 

It just is.  Jackass though he may be.

As difficult as it is (and it is difficult), you must MUST keep your hand firm on the tiller, as long as it takes to get you to calmer waters.  The stronger you are, as you choose to be, the more steady the sailing.

And that's hard to do when you are also trying to knee someone in the groin, so just pick the task that will serve you better.

Happily Ever Afters

This year has brought many of my friends new dimensions to their personal lives.  Three couples have moved in together, one couple to be engaged; and of course the lovely wedding this weekend of my friends Drew and O'Kilt.

Drew was a beautiful bride, the ceremony itself simple and moving, and lots of celebrating afterward including a late night at O'Connell's pub in Alexandria, with Drew still in her wedding gown.

Although all relationships grow, flourish, and sometimes fade, and like everything in this world they have no permanence - it is a joy to see the Happy that all these relationships are giving my friends right now.

Which is not to imply I think all relationships end, or worse, 'fail'.  I remember when the Gores announced their divorce, there was a great amount of teeth-gnashing around "O if they can't make it work who can?", after twenty years of marriage.  That actually sounded pretty successful to me.

Just because something ends, does not mean it failed.  It means it ended.  And we really must be grateful for what we do have - not mourn for what we don't have, or what simply cannot be.

I have had a lot of good times and many fun adventures, but I can tell you there are only three men I so truly loved I believed I could have spent my life with them.  Adored them, admired their talent, wanted so much to be the one to make them happy.  But as anyone reading this knows, I've never been married so you can figure out how that sorted.

Again, I am thrilled for my friends, I am.  Yet it reminds me I have so much love to give, but I can't seem to find anyone who wants it.

 

I did catch the bouquet.  

Why can't the paparazzi just leave me alone?

The Secret to Happiness

As I type this, sitting at my dining room table looking West, the clouds are rushing north over the Olympic Peninsula.  Grey trotting dogs, dark leaping cats, pink and blue glowing behind them.  The Brothers and Hurricane Ridge shown when dark horse head clouds choose to reveal them.

My wide front windows change at each moment, the two-hundred-year-old Hemlocks and Douglas' across the street indifferent; my little eighty-year-old house unnoticed, unimportant.

My fat tabby, pawing at the keyboard.  Twelve years old.  Happy for now but if I don't wait on him soon he'll bite my hair.

The clouds are thickening and now there's little to be seen - at least, what you may expect to see.

I hate to reveal the secret to happiness, because really - if you don't learn it yourself it has little worth.

But here is a hint:  It is not having what you want.

Seasonal Buddhism

One thing I will miss about DC is its four seasons.  Who knew there could be four?  After living in LA, Texas and Seattle, I find this novel.

Yes Manhattan has four seasons, but you don't want to live through them.  Ah, the aroma of hot urine that heralds the New York summer!

Last week the cicadas starting singing in the season.  Although there are no more spent robins' eggs to be found, the birds are bickering over whether a second clutch of chicks is worth the effort.

The garden next to my building is flourishing, the tomatoes growing rosy, the little cherry tomatoes already ripe.  I spied a chipmunk on his back legs, inspecting a particularly fruitful cherry tomato plant.  

Deciding on his vegetable prey, he leapt up and grabbed it.  Hanging and kicking, he twisted around crazily until the vine gave up.  He then scampered to a nearby picnic table, jumped up on the bench and had his lunch.

Watching the change of seasons brings home many Buddhist teachings, one being the folly of attachment.

On one level this is a fairly straightforward concept - attachment to inanimate objects that have no real value.  Your car, the Crackberry, even the treasures you've brought home from adventures abroad.

On another, attachment can be folly when it is centered on time or place.  Although cliche, it is true that there is no constant but change.

Relationships come and go, Love waxes and wanes.  The tides come in, the tides go out.  But recognizing, internalizing, that life is fluid can be very liberating.  You may be having the best years of your life but I promise you, you will have dark years.  Just as, when your world is clouded with doubt and loss, there will be joy.

I've done some selfish things lately, and the move home will be difficult, so my heart is more troubled than I'd like.  I hope I will be forgiven for my selfishness, and the difficulties will sort out.

This summer has brought me winter days in many ways, but I know spring will come.