Three Blind Mice

My softer title to what should be called "Three Dead Rats Under My Hottub".

This gag-inducing adventure is easily the most disgusting thing I've ever done I'm pretty sure in my entire life.

When I was young, I mucked out horse stalls in trade for jumping lessons.  "Mucking out" being the polite term for shovelling horse shit.  My shit-centric activities have also included scrubbing the bird waste in the Seattle Aquarium's shorebird exhibit area, and digging years of pigeon poop off of an old grandstand in Sydney.

I think I have a higher crap tolerance than most.  It's natural, it's just waste.  With a pair of gloves and a thorough clean up after (hands can be washed!) I can deal.

But dead critters!  Under my hottub!  Being all STINKY!

First off - the fuck are they doing in there anyway?  Clearly the idea was, it's toasty under the tub so Yay let's make a nest....but once they get in through the 2" access hole (from which the drainage hose exits) they can't get back out.

Stupid stupid rats!

Now you are all DEAD and shit.

Armed with some long sticks, gloves and a schmear of Vick's VapoRub up my nose, I commenced to remove the bodies.

They did not want leave.  It took some effort.  Effort I had to interrupt on occasion to walk away from because dead animal carcasses are extremely unpleasant.

I had a couple of small plastic bags (the black ones you get from the liquor store - thought that would be appropriate) at hand to block my view as well as hastily toss the remains to... well, anywhere really.

I got two out and had to take apart another section of the tub skirting to get to the third.  He got stuck right at the opening, his creepy rat tail STILL HANGING OUT OF THE DRAIN HOLE.

GAH.  Rats' tails are disturbing enough with that whole no-hair action.  But a DEAD hairless rat tail is truly disgusting.

Anyway.

I had one bag kind of on top of that last one, and another at the ready, in the narrow area between the tub and the fence over the drain hole.

I was trying not to look at what I was doing; trying to visualize pleasant thoughts ("um...flowers!  meadows! bunnies!  - GAH no not BUNNIES!!!")

When - something moved.  Something black and quick....

I leapt back in panic, my heart jumped out of my chest and I realized -

the rat tail had gotten stuck to the extra black bag and in my efforts I had moved the bag myself.

I totally peed my pants.


Good times.