Cattle Call

Or, Why I See Myself the Way I Do.

Let's say you are casting a television commercial for, let's call it, Major Japanese Car Producer (MJCP). You need three women: blonde, brunette, redhead. One man. All beautiful, that goes without saying.

The casting agent does the first cull, but they don't want to leave out The One, so they still bring you about 300 heads.

Yes they're called 'heads', because I guess they aren't actually, you know, 'people'.

You're presented with six binders, 50 heads each.

Page after page of stunning women, each more beautiful than the other. And its not just head shots - aspiring actresses have shots of themselves in various poses and wardrobe to illustrate, "Look, I'm beautiful no matter the situation or clothing! I can be sophisticated, housewifey, girl next door, club slut! Put me in a burlap sack and I will still be so stunning I can sell your product!"

And they are right.

Let's start with the brunettes. What shall be our first eliminating factor? Eye color. Easy. Green and blue shoot better than brown. Sorry, those belonging to 90% of the world's population, you're out! All brown-eyed brunette heads are pulled from the binders and hit the floor. No really, they end up on the floor. Some assistant gathers up the rejects and drops them in a box. Labeled 'Rejects'.

Well that helped narrow things quite a bit.

Is there any other semi-legitimate criterion we can use? Sure - we do have a brand we are working under, so - who is too cute, too young, too old? This is really the most involved part, you have to look at each actress in terms of the profile of MJCP's target audience - Male, 30-50, income level, the cars we will be shooting and what the market is for those particular models, and of course the concepts of the spots.

More hit the floor.

Of course everyone has an opinion. When I say everyone, I mean Me, the art director (final say); the producer ("How much will she cost? Is she scale?") the director ("I can't shoot her, she doesn't Speak to me, you know?") the casting agent ("Oh you'll love her!", regarding pretty much everyone).

And as an aside - I'm not going to get into dealing with my boss the CD, and the client approval process, a post for another day...

So now it is around six, everyone is getting a little punchy and secretly anxious to make it to a happy hour, somewhere, anywhere.

The final eliminations, judgment on the most gorgeous women you have ever laid eyes on, go something like this:

"Her cheekbones are too high."
"I don't like her ears. I can see them."
"Is that a gray hair?"
"Her nose freaks me out a little."
"She reminds me of my mother."

Seven-thirty. Women who, under any other circumstance would inspire unapologetic awe, are reduced to Freaks of Nature.

"That's not a beauty mark - it's some alien thing taking over her cheek."
"Did she put her lips in a vacuum cleaner hose?"
"Yeah but look at her NECK - I didn't see a GIRAFFE in the storyboard."
"She has iguana eyes - seriously, tell me I'm wrong!" (true quote, I kid you not).

The selects for callback are made, the producer drops you at the hotel, and you lurch to your room.

At the bathroom sink, you try to scrub the shallowness and hypocrisy off.

Then you look in the mirror.
The unforgiving, indifferent mirror that shows your own face VERY, VERY CLEARLY.

Tomorrow, the blondes.

Some Advertising Types, v1.

An Agency, Let's Call it KXS.

Way back in the Day when I was a senior at UT, I was up for a fairly prestigious position at KXS-New York. They took on one junior a year in this program - good salary, moving expenses (you may remember those), would even find you an apartment. Even better, you would spend a few months in each creative group so you'd gain much more experience and make far more contacts....It was a very advantageous way to start your creative career.

Usually they only flew in the final two candidates, but that year there were three - another UT creative, a random dude, and me.

It was a very exciting time. Being poor, I borrowed a suit. Being from Texas, I bought makeup.

Aside: one Rule for any Texas Girl is, you do not even go to the car wash without 'doing your face'. Making me an anomaly as that was probably the first and only week I wore makeup every day. I'm not the prettiest girl - although I do like to think I'm on the positive side of that bell curve - but I know I'm no looker. A face full of makeup always makes me feel like, Oh, look at that plain girl trying to be pretty.... I also took great care with my hair, I considered my long reddish locks a plus so I tried to make the best of what I had.

For three days, I presented my book to pretty much everyone I would be working with - including the suits and the production people. And I was entertained at night - in the Big Apple. It was quite an experience.

At the end of the week, all three of us were put in a conference room to be told who was to be hired. You know, to make it as uncomfortable as humanly possible for the other two. Because if you are going to make a career in advertising as a creative, might as well start the humiliation straight away!

So there we were, Random Guy who seemed a lot more cocky about it all than I thought appropriate; my sweet friend from UT (bless his heart, he really was a sweet boy), and me.

HR Person says, "Well you have all been a real treat to all of us, and we've enjoyed meeting you ..... But we are going to go with Random Guy. Random, you see, was up for this position last year and we had to go with the other candidate (client connection) so this year we can go with the guy we really wanted last year."

Now....I still wonder why they bothered courting two other young graduates who thought they actually had a chance? So, so wrong.

In a daze I found my way out of the meeting room towards the stunning lobby, a lobby I would never walk through again....and one of the writers caught up to me.

She rocked the Creative Look - wearing all black, very unflattering glasses, oddly-cut hair dyed to a color not found in nature. She had been quite nice and encouraging, I liked her.

Writer: Listen, I just wanted you to know we all really liked your book....and everyone SEVERELY LOVES YOUR HAIR.